Stephanie Says.. Take a walk inside my head

I was sitting in the Blazer Sunday afternoon after the morning worship service when Ben pulled up beside us.  “So you’re here”, he asked, “So you’re feeling well enough to come tonight?”

I was, but he had a point.  My mornings have become a game of “Will she or won’t she get out of bed?” and it’s anybody’s guess anymore whether or not I’ll show up to church.

It’s not that I don’t like work, although some days are more fun than others.  It’s not that I don’t like church, although sometimes I go out of duty, not desire.  It’s just that the clouds are hanging around again and it’s so much easier to stay in bed and not move than it is to get up and think and breathe and try and do something…anything until I can sink into my pillow again.

I wasn’t always this way.  Apparently I was a pretty happy child.  I remember eating ice cream, climbing trees, turning my bookshelf into a Barbie castle (which I misspelled as “catsle”).  I would sing any song from the Annie soundtrack at the drop of a hat and I just knew that I was going to grow up to be a princess.

Then came the ’90’s.  Then came depression.  My kind is hard to explain to people.  I’m getting more honest about things, such as the fact that I’m not always in bed with a migraine, but it’s still hard for my sphere to understand.

I read.  I go out to eat.  I teach a class of bright, squirmy kids.  I love my husband and I still tend to burst into song at the drop of a hat.

I should be happy.

And I am, most of the time.

But every now and then, the clouds come back.  My freshman year of college was a hard one for me.  I spent most of the first semester in a daze.  Depression can make it hard to think, you know.  Still, I got good enough grades and had good enough friends.

By the last semester of my senior year, I was leaving work early to go back to the dorm and sleep.  I was responsible enough.  I made up the hours that I missed, but the clouds were still there.

And they are here now.  I’ve done the reading.  I know the causes.  But knowing and doing are, in my case at least, two different things.  Still, it’s hard for people to understand.  This isn’t something I can just overcome by willpower.  Getting out of bed and going to work is helpful, yes, but it’s only a step.  By the time the UPS truck arrives and it’s time to close up, I’m often so tired I’m grateful for the chance to sleep on the hour ride home.

And yes, I’ve read the articles extoling a “Fake it ’til you make it” philosophy.  I believe in that mindset to a certain extent.  Why be a rude nasty person when it is so much nicer to greet people with a smile and a “Have a nice day”?

So I smile.  And (for the most part) I remember to shower.  And I play with my nieces and cuddle my cats and sing in the choir.

But every now and then the circle rolls back around to “time for clouds”.  I can’t explain what I’m thinking when that happens.  I can’t tell you why I’m experiencing more than just “the blues” or why I want to rip all the well meaning tongues out of well meaning heads and set fire to every self help book I see.  I can’t tell you why the migraines get worse (they are real…I’m not devious enough to make them up, though sometimes I do exaggerate their severity) or why every time someone extols me to just “get over it” I want to bash their head in with a hammer (did I mention that sometimes depression straddles a line into quick flashes of anger?).

All I can tell you is to hold on.  I’m cyclical.  It will pass and I will be back to church, back to class, back to work.  I’ll be smiling.  I’ll be singing.  I’ll be grateful to you for loving me, warts and all.

But right now, in this moment, I can’t do any of those things.  And if I cling to my pillow in the morning or fall asleep in the car on the way to work, I beg your indulgence.  I’m trying.  I know it’s not my best.  I know I’m not there yet.

But I also know that some day–I will be.

Posterboard at our shop is fifty nine cents.

I know this.

There is a sign that says “Poster Board $.59 each”.

I know this also.

So why do I keep on charging people a dollar extra???

I read a lot.  All the time.  Everywhere.  If I’m not carrying a book with me, it’s either because Kenny didn’t think the drive to be long enough to get any reading done or because I’m really dressed up and want to impress someone.  But I more than usually have a book.  (And yes, I bring them to church sometimes too.  I can’t help it.  I grew up being called “Amy Carter, Jr.”)

I’ll read just about anything as long as it’s fiction.  However, I have been more and more drawn to mysteries and police dramas.  You know the kind.  Wounded people, broken dreams, shattered lives.

As you can imagine, I can get pretty cranky on a steady diet of death and mayhem.  That is when I pull out Connie Willis’ To Say Nothing of the Dog or Cheaper By the Dozen  which is, if you will forgive the cliche, an oldie but goodie.

There is one more character who consistantly makes me smile.  Her name is Stephanie Plum and she is from The Burg in New Jersey.  Stephanie works for her cousin Vinnie, the sleezeball, as a bail bondsperson.  She hauls bail jumpers back to jail by any means at her disposal.  The fact that she is more lucky than skilled at her job adds to her charm.

 The idea to make the series into a movie has apparently been kicking around Hollywood for a while.  Every once in a while, lists will appear on the Web as to who should play whom.  Sandra Bullock is favored to play Stephanie, but I don’t like that idea.  I don’t know why I don’t like that idea, but I don’t.

So, I got to thinking about whom I would cast and here is my partial list:

I would go with Evangeline Lilly for Stephanie.  Maybe Lauren Graham  but I’m still mourning Gilmore Girls, so I don’t think so.

Matthew McConaughey has the wrong color hair for Joe, but I’d go with him anyway.

I really didn’t like the suggestion of The Rock for Ranger (I couldn’t see him with long hair, for one thing) until I saw the commercials for Get Smart.  Now I’m less on the fence than I used to be.

I’ve been watching a lot of Friends lately and I think that Jane Sibbett (Ross’ ex wife Carol) would make a good Valerie.  I could see her being the Virgin Mary type.

I was thinking Kathy Griffin for Joyce, but that may be a bit too over the top.

What do ya’ll think about Caroline Rhea for Connie.  It may be an unorthodox choice, but I think it would work.  Or how about Amy Pietz?

I decided that Mo’Nique would make a good Lula after seeing her on Ugly Betty.

And oh my gosh Steve Busemi has to play Vinnie.  The part is taylor made for him.

As for Grandma Mazur, the woman I want to be when I grow up?  I’m thinking Ann Morgan Guilbert.  Sure, she was crazy on The Nanny but I’ve seen her on other things and liked her.  Now if I can just stop calling her “Millie”.