True confession: So I’m coming out of my fog enough to start thinking about who I really am and what I really was born to do and/or be. You know, deep in my soul, the me of me, authentic self kind of stuff.
So here is an observation…common to just about everyone, but I’ve been thinking about it….
You know I have all kinds of friends, yes? Thoughtful, contemplate before they speak kinds of friends, funny off the cuff kinds of friends, dynamic very very sure of their opinion kind of friends. And they all care. Very much. They wouldn’t be in Stephanie Land if they didn’t. But sometimes…just sometimes…I wonder about their advice. They care, but do they really care about ME…the me of me…the person I actually am and am becoming? Or do they just have this idea, this image in their heads of what SHOULD happen and don’t take the time to get to know who I am and what I genuinely need. ‘Cause sometimes…sometimes…it seems like if they really knew me, they would know that either (a) their advice, however well meaning, sorta insults and for sure hurts or (b) is just plain…well…idiotic in some cases. It’s like they don’t actually know me at all.
Two: My gratitude for the people who DO listen, who DO let me talk and who know that letting me figure things out for myself (even if they knew said things months earlier and had to keep their mouths shut in order to let me puzzle through) is overflowing and knows no bounds. For those who love me, crazy and all…for those who REALLY love me and don’t use me as some kind of…well who don’t say “This is what you should do” without first extending endless compassion and forgiveness at my many screw ups…who know that I’m a mess and befriend me anyway, you….the world needs more of you. Taking the time to listen, to really listen with your heart is hard…and tedious…and sometimes boring. I’ll never be able to repay you for doing it anyway.
Three: So this “letting people be their authentic selves” thing? Sometimes it’s hard. Way hard. Sometimes I’m tired and what I need (or, rather, what I THINK I need at the moment) bumps up against someone else’s reality and I don’t know whether or not to lay aside whatever is tugging on my heart in order to let the people I’m talking to be who they really are or…well…not every need gets met. Not every person gets to be honestly themselves all the time. But it’s hard. It’s so hard to be ME in a world in which people are so…so…THEM and we bump and twist and turn like puzzle pieces that are never going to fit. And it’s hard to be ME…really really ME right now. Because who I am…who the secret heart of me is yearning to portray…is so…so…not okay. And this world? This place? This place calls for bubbles and butterflies. This place calls for happy hearts. This place wants you to play along. And there aren’t many people in this place interested in seeing into your real, true soul.
And that’s what I’ve been thinking about. That’s what I’ve been mulling over in my stumbling to okay.
I’m sorry the getting there is so hard. I hope that I’m one of the people who show you love when you need it.
Please.
Ask.
I’m not there yet, but I can hold your hand.
If you are bleeding too, please…ask…try…grab on.
You don’t have to do this alone.
You don’t EVER have to do this alone.