I have received much advice this past year. I have received stern advice. I have received funny advice. I have received confidential advice. I have received terrible advice. I have received advice in the form of stories. I have received advice in the form of songs. I have received advice from my girlfriends. I have received advice from my family. I have received advice from my husband. I have received advice from the few men in my life that I trust. I have been ignored, worried about, prayed for, scolded, scorned, played with, lied to, embraced, complimented, surprised, encouraged and brought to tears. I have made and lost friends. I have found and lost love. I have been crushed and lifted. Dreams have died and others have been born. People whom I thought would support me have disappeared and people whom I never thought to call on have stepped up without even being asked. It’s been a horrible horrible season, but it’s also been (in some ways) a blessing. I can’t promise that I’ll be any more active, competent or with it in 2015, but I am ready to make baby steps. I am ready to crawl. I am ready to try. Just please, promise to try and love me. I won’t do what you think I should. I won’t move as fast as you think I ought. I won’t listen to the things you say. I’ll ignore the remarks you make that don’t apply to me AT ALL (seriously people…Hi…my name is Stephanie…have you MET me?). I’ll stumble. I’ll fall. I’ll sleep. I’ll cry. I’ll break my promises and if you care for me very much, I’ll probably break your heart. But I promise. I promise to try. I promise to try to be there more, to listen more, to show up more and to care. Please. Please. Loving me is not mandatory. It is not a requirement. But if you do. If you really do, can you promise to try? I’ll stumble and fumble and fall. I’ll disappoint you over and over again. You’ll shake your head and bite your lip. I’ll do my best but I’ll fail. Please…if you really care…can you promise to love me anyway? Even if…Even WHEN…it hurts?
January 6, 2015
Expression
I heard an expression today: Right now you are about as useful as two steering wheels on a mule.
Feel free to steal.
This is usually when I lose it.
Thank you for praying. Today was better. I’m starting to see pinpricks of light in these clouds of mine. I’m ready for baby steps. But I also recently had someone majorly hurt my feelings (not break my heart like the past year was, but I cared enough about them that they cracked me) and those are usually the circumstances under which I start to look for not always the right kind of soothing. So…A. I’m happy for the pinpricks but B. Part of myself wonders what the other part of myself is going to get into. So I’m kind of a mess….So if you don’t mind…could you label some arrows with my name while you are shooting them off for others? I’d appreciate it. I’d appreciate it very much.
A plea
Under…you really don’t have to say anything at all, but if you do say stuff be careful. The heart you would could belong to someone who needs you to provide patches, not more cracks. For example:
A lot of the lot of advice that I’m getting consists of either pray or go to church. I appreciate the support…I really really really do. And, intellectually, I understand the sentiments people are trying to convey. But to someone like me…to someone with issues involving rejection…to someone who has spent their life being told “I don’t have time for you” or “Go ask someone else” or “Just be quiet. If people want you to talk, they will ask you to.”, such advice (unless coming from someone I really really REALLY trust) UNLESS it is coupled with actual time spent with me sounds like more of the same. I have enough people passing me by. So be careful. If you feel you MUST say something, be so careful. People don’t hand out their hearts lightly. Please don’t be the person who casually breaks them. Sometimes we need hands, feet and shoulders so much more than we need empty words. Be careful my darlings. Casually cruel kindness is really, really no kindness at all.