Kenneth Sims and I​ had a good talk tonight. He wasn’t happy because it was after midnight and he was sleepy. I wasn’t happy because we speak a different language and many of my analogies were falling….very very…pancake like (flat). But we discussed some goals and some yearnings and some strivings and some wishes. We’re not all fixed up/stitched up/skipping off hand in hand, but I got to express some things and so did he. The last few years have been hard. Thanks for loving us. Thanks for pulling for us. There are hurts. There are opinions and there are downright nastinesses, but I can be stubborn. And I’m as convinced now as I was then that God plunked this man right down in front of me to be in my life. Sometimes I don’t know WHY and sometimes I don’t know HOW we’re ever gonna make it through (it’s like seriously, dude??? SERIOUSLY?). And yes, I tell people I married him because he’s the first person who ever asked me, but that unshakable little CERTAINTY in my head, that THIS…THIS is my life…THIS is my town…THIS is my marriage…is there. It’s crazy. It’s mismatched. And sometimes it’s for the wrongest of reasons, but it is. He’s never gonna understand my emotions. I’m never going to understand his drive. And we’re never going to be one of those easy, fit together like puzzle pieces, hand in glove, Sunday drive kind of couples, but IT IS. It is hard. It is fighting. It is hurt silences. It is broken dreams. It is heartbreaking honesty. It is tears. It is neither of us winning. It is no one understanding. It is waiting for apologies that never come. It is working at cross purposes. It is tears and silences and spaces. But it’s also tonight. It’s also goals. It’s also thoughts. It’s also whispered wishes. It’s OH! I can do that! It’s openness and honesty and I’m afraid and you don’t have to be and not really knowing what’s going to happen but knowing that happen it will.
We don’t make sense. We know that. We don’t make sense to us either. And these past few years have been tough. They are going to get tougher. We know that too. And you, you looking at us, shaking your heads wondering how ON EARTH we ever got together are not going to understand. We don’t understand ourselves. But you know what? We don’t have to. Right now, we’re not looking for answers. Right now, we’re holding on. Right now we’re dug in. Right now we’re stubbornly tied in tight. You don’t understand. We don’t understand. And maybe we never will. But we’re here. Somehow, someway, we’re still here. It’s been hard. There have been tears and fears and fights and sleepless nights. But not this time. Not this early morning. This early morning, your prayers broke though. This early morning we actually talked. It’s not all okay. It’s not all settled. There are no neat little bows tying everything up. But things were said. And steps…halting steps…were taken. And we’re still here. And this time…this one time…right now…neither of us will go to sleep in tears.