(Posted with The Mister’s “I don’t understand what you’re feeling but yes you can talk about it” permission. I do try to ask before I wall things…most of the time.)
Okay.
Here we go.
I can tell
By the looks
The questions
The hands on my shoulder
That you’re concerned.
You don’t understand what’s going on
And you don’t know why I’m not around anymore.
You’re worried.
You care.
But you don’t know how to ask about it.
Well…some of you anyway.
Some of you have your own lives
And may not have even noticed
That I’ve been gone.
Thank you.
I appreciate the sentiments.
I promise.
I promise.
I would explain it if I could.
But I’m not sure you would comprehend.
Heck.
I’m not sure -I- can comprehend.
You know he stood in the kitchen.
You know he told me no.
He had decided
That for us
As individuals
As people
As a pair
He had concluded
That babies
For us
Would be wrong.
Please
Hear what I’m trying to say
He doesn’t make decrees.
He’s not an all powerful voice from On High.
But when he decides, he decides.
It wasn’t the first decision he had made.
It won’t be the last.
I just didn’t know…
I had no idea
How deeply this one would cut.
It was everything I was waiting for
Everything I was breathing for
I had interests
I had loves
I had hobbies
But I was suspended
Still
Foot in the air
Ready to step off that curb
Babies
My very own babies
I can’t tell you
I can’t explain what that NO did to me
One word
Two letters
I thought it was just my heart that had shattered.
I didn’t realize until later that it was also everything else.
Everything
Everything I thought I was
Everything I believed
Everything I knew
Gone
Just…Gone
My worth.
My value.
My place.
My love.
My…everything.
I can’t explain it
Not really
And I’m not sure
Even if I could
You would really understand
I don’t.
I don’t understand.
I don’t understand why that word took everything away.
I’m not sure why
I am now questioning…All
You’re trying to help.
I know you are.
You hate seeing me so sad.
You tell me there are other things
Other paths
Other loves
Other lives
This.
This I know.
But I also know not yet.
See, I tried.
Yes….
Yes, I’ve always, always taken too easily to my sleep, to my emotions, to my tears.
You may not look at me any differently at all.
I am, you may say, still in bed.
Just, as you may say, I always am.
It is, you may say,
Nothing new.
My head, however?
My head would tell you it is not the same.
My heart would be too scarred to tell you
Much of anything at all.
I don’t know why.
I cannot put the reasons into words.
I had no child before.
I do not know why his choice made everything shift.
I just know it did.
You say you want my tears dried.
You say you want my happy back.
You say
That you want me to sparkle.
That, I cannot do.
Not yet.
I tried.
For the briefest of flickers, I did try.
But this one cuts too deep.
This one?
This one still bleeds and burns.
And leaving the house.
Being amidst anyone
Having to be anything but bruised?
Right now, I cannot do.
I’m not giving up.
Not all the way.
I’m not giving in.
But it’s a loss.
An unspoken, inexplicable, unintelligible loss.
That I myself do not comprehend yet.
I’m questioning everything…everything.
I appreciate your love.
I need your love.
I just can’t…I can’t
Sometimes
Right now
Trying to engage?
It’s just too hard.
I know.
It’s selfish
It’s egotistical
It’s not really a loss, is it?
I’ve never carried life, so there was no life to lose
I’ve never felt a spark, so there was no flame to extinguish
It cannot compare to any of your sufferings
It cannot compare to any of your griefs
It, in fact, is not even real.
And you tell me about your triumphs
You tell me of your strengths.
You want me to stand.
You want me upright
You want me back
In my place.
Two letters.
Two letters.
I should really be stronger
Braver
Better
Than two letters
Words have been my life
Words have always been my life
They should not diminish me now
Come, you say
Stand
Smile
Be
Do
All you need is to walk
Walk
Stand and walk
I will
The day is coming
When I will
But forgive me
Please
Extend your pardon
Right now
This moment?
The best I can do?
The only thing I can do
Is crawl.