So, as I’ve said, I’ve been diagnosed with
Clinical Depression
Bi Polar Disorder
and
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Thank you for asking Questions. I am honored by your interest and am grateful to those who are trying to understand my journey.
The first Question that I would like to try and answer is:
What are practical ways to support someone with these diagnoses?
Thing That May or May Not Be Helpful–The Warning
Loving someone with a mental illness may remind you of loving a toddler.
Sometimes things are icky.
Some of these may not apply to you AT ALL, but these are the more practical, less emotional things that I can think of, so let’s give it a try, shall we?
Things to do
-Check in
This can be a simple “hi” or “thinking of you” or smiley face or “here is a song you might like” text or message. You don’t have to be fancy. In fact, your mentally ill friend may appreciate the effort expended if you DO attempt something fancy, but, if they are anything like I am, simple works best.
-Rather Than Assuming, Ask
Now I understand that you might be afraid to approach any topic that even TOUCHES on the mentally ill, but it’s okay to ask.
-In Is Better Than Out
I’m not saying that ALL mentally ill people are shy and withdrawn (aren’t those of us with Bi-Polar Disorder supposed to be some kind of party animals?) but sometimes just going from the bed to the shower is literally a hard thing to do.
Don’t be disappointed if plans are cancelled again and again and again. Please don’t take such occasions personally. They are not reflections of the state of your friendship. They are reflections of the strength of your loved one’s fear.
Can you do something like a bedside pizza and catch up? Can you do a video phone conversation complete with silly pictures?
A little patience and understanding can serve to enrich your relationships–even with people who AREN”T mentally ill.
Put your creativity to work! Or turn to Dr. Google. It has suggestions for everything.
-We Stink, Love Us Anyway
Self Harm. In most cases, this is such an incomplete topic and I feel the need to someday flesh it out.
I’m not saying that there aren’t cutters out there. There are and they are just some of the million examples of how people try and exert control in a world that feels like it is pressuring them to death.
For the depressed, however, self harm can take slightly different forms.
Take my house, for example. There are times in which it is cobweb city. This is not because I have a special affinity for such things. This is because I LITERALLY HAVE SO LITTLE SELF ESTEEM THAT I DO NOT FEEL WORTHY TO HAVE NICE THINGS AROUND ME. It’s also a sign of a complete lack of energy, but for some people with depression, the tangled hair, the unclean body, the house that is messy to the point of disbelief can point to an extreme low period in the life of a person with mental illness.
To the frustration of those who love us, this “low period” can last years.
The longest I can remember going without showering (and this means that I was in the same clothes the entire time) is about two weeks. I’ve gone about two months without washing my hair.
Again, sometimes we’re gonna stink.
Please, please love us anyway.
-Listen To Learn
This one is self explanatory. There are people in the world who listen for the pause in order to throw in their own bits of conversational flow.
If you are a person, however, who is interested in continuing a loving relationship with a person who is mentally ill (especially if said person is the slightest bit like myself) DON’T DO THIS. It’s hurtful. And we all want to be kind to others. Well…don’t we?
-Take What You Read With A Grain of Salt
Yes, exercise is helpful.
Yes, diet is good.
Yes, setting goals and breaking them down into smaller, more manageable bits can be a wonderful way to get through life.
BUT
BUT
BUT
Be VERY careful with generalizations.
VERY careful.
The mind can affect the body in strange and wonderful ways. Should your very individual friend be in the middle of a very individual, specific to them episode (depression, panic, traumatic) exercise may NOT be the way to go.
which brings me to part two of this point
-The Second
Everyone is Individual (Or: Be Careful of Generalizations)
A helpful thing to do might be to learn what makes your very individual loved one healed enough to fight the darkness that seems like it is in control.
Some people strive to reach a certain video game level.
Some people put on music and dance.
Some people put on a sad movie and cry.
Some people take to their bed (yes, sleep can be a harmful escape, but it can also be a source of healing).
Some people write or draw.
Some people need others there to talk to.
But everyone is different.
Observe. Listen. Learn.
One problem that all of us (mentally ill or not) have is to dismiss anything outside of our understanding. We can hurt others by insisting that they act in ways that make sense to US while completely ignoring the fact that OUR ways actually do more damage to those we are trying to help than they do good.
I often tell my husband “You don’t have to understand me, you just have to love me.”
Research is good. Education is better. But sometimes a grain of salt is needed when we are striving to walk alongside people who don’t fit into any mold, textbook described or no. And sometimes, we need to bring a whole bucket.
-Appeal to the Senses
Food can be good. One of the things that helps me after a period or two of not eating well (or not eating much at all) is to seek out things that crunch. Something about the snap of an apple or carrot or celery stalk helps me focus on what I’m doing, rather than mindlessly taking in food just to please those who have expressed worry.
Touch can be good. Touch can signal love and acceptance.
My father, for example, gives the BEST hugs. His hugs signify a sense of belonging signaling that even though I am a mess, he loves me anyway.
Heat isn’t really a sense, but it can be good too.
This probably isn’t a real, true verifiable fact, but, if the depressed person is anything like I am, walking through times of self hatred and low self esteem can be cold inducing. I don’t mean A cold, as in “we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t cure the common cold”. I mean cold as in chilly. As in four sweaters in the middle of summer and still shivering. As in not caring what the thermostat says, give me another cover or two, thank you very much.
Hot chocolate. Hot tea. Warm blankets. These signify comfort and concern to someone whose body is giving off the wrong seasonal signals, making them feel very much like an outsider.
You don’t have to talk to care. In fact, the quieter you are, the better it may be, relationship wise.
Actions may speak louder than words sometimes, and to a person who, like me, is mentally ill, actions can sometimes be better trusted.
Words, unfortunately, can be cheap.
If you aren’t willing to put in the work, maybe it’s better to say nothing at all.
The Final Post For This Question will be on my wall in just a few minutes.
Thank you for your interest.
I would love to answer whatever you can throw at me.
Don’t be shy. I’m pretty wide open.
And if I’m not, I’ll just message you.
I promise.